No girl could capture me without the lure of musical skill. But one day Beth came along, knowing not one note from another, yet with a merry humming tune forever on her lips, and a song in her heart for me. And Beth is Mrs. Taylor today. A piano graced our new home, but somehow the old vow was forgotten, and stayed forgotten until Jimmy Jr. Then along about the time the novelty of parenthood began to wear off a bit, the old vow came back. And one evening I spoke out with a suddenness that surprised me, "Beth, I'd give a hundred dollars if you could play something — a piano, violin, banjo, ukulele — something, anything.
About three months later I got home early one night, and I heard the old dead piano come to life — sounded good, too, first a little jazzy piece, then a sweet plantation melody. There at the piano was Beth playing, and the two kid- dies beating time. She saw me, and stopped, "Oh," she cried. I'm learning fast, but it's only three mom lis since I found out" — "Found out what," I said. Beth began to "I Jimmy, Jr. It was a howling success.
When the kiddies had gone singing to bed. Jimmy Jr. By this method the U. School of Music, the largest in the world, has already trained over half a million people, teaching the play- ing of any musical instrument almost in the same way a school-child learns to read. But very much faster because older children and grown people have better trained minds, and know how to study and think. When first learning to read you look at every letter separately, and spell out every word, c-a-t. Later you do not see the letters; you see the words as units, "cat," "man.
This skill in seeing units develops until you see and know as units hundreds of long familiar phrases ; and it is even en- tirely possible, if you wish, to easily in- crease your reading speed four or five times the average, grasping paragraph thoughts complete, sensing a whole page instantly, recognizing every part, register- ing and remembering all, with your pleasure exactly the same as the slower reader.
The same easy understanding and com- plete enjoyment is similarly a part of the new way. The alphabet of music follows the alphabet of language. The first note on the staff above is F. Whether you sing or play, it is always F.
Once you learn them, playing melodies is a matter of acting what you see. And here is where "familiar phrases" come in — the "big secret. The "familiar phrases" of music are its har- monies. Just as you instantly recognize the countless phrases of speech, so the relatively few of music are quickly a habit with you.
You play almost before you realize it— and every step is real fun. Remember, neither my wife nor half a million must- trained hy this any- tusic. They could not tie made any clearer in the Eng- lish language. I will always give the U. School of Music ray best approval. Jimmy, Jr. Right at home, no costly teacher, no classes at inconvenient hours, no useless study and practice.
Xo numbers, no tricks, no make- shifts. But instead a sound musical education learning hy notes. The intricacies ot music reduced to a most amazing simplicity able to develop the inborn talent which is a part of every person on this earth. When T told Beth I was writing this out to put in a magazine, she told me to be sure and say that the school will gladly send a free book explaining everything, called "Music Lessons in Your Own Home. Taylor is enthusiastic. He has a right to be.
Yet when you read the facts in our book you will appreciate that his opinion is conservative. The booklet not only gives you full information about the V. School method, but also tells you all about the amazing new Automatic Finger Control. You, too, can learn to play your favorite instrument or to sing. Mail the coupon below to the V. School of Music,.
Or send a postcard. But act at once. Do not U. Frank Crane. Free Demonstration Lesson, ami particulars of your easy payment plan. I am in- terested in the following course: Have you this Inst.? Name Address City State. I have made as high as S in two weeks. It is certainly great sport to do this kind of work. CI2 Arsenal St. Louis, Mo. IF you are earning a penny less than S50 a week, send for my hook of information on the opportuni- ties in Radio.
It's FREE. Clip the coupon XOW. A flood of gold is pouring into this new business, cre- ating hundreds of big pay jobs. Radio needs trained men. The amazing growth of the Radio business lias astounded the world. In a few short years three hundred thou- sand jobs have been created. And the biggest growth of Radio is still to come. Radio simply hasn't got nearly the number of thoroughly trained men it needs. I, trained men are today making big money — holding down big jobs-— in the Radio field. Men just like vou — their only advantage is training. You, too, can become a Radio Expert just as they did by our new practical methods.
Our tested, clear training, makes it easy for you to learn. You can stay home, hold your job. Lack of education or experience are no drawbacks. Vou can read and write. That's enough. My tical method maker this possible. You an: taught t ving set known. Webster Street. Nashville, Temi. My course tits you for all lines — manufacturing, selling, servicing sets, in business tor yourself, operating on board ship or in a broadcasting station — and many others. It won't cost you a penny. It has put hundreds of fellows on the road to bigger pay and success. Get it.
See what Radio has to offer you, and how my Employment Department helps yon get into Radio after you uraduate. National Radio Institute Washington, D. Smith: Kindly send me four big book "Rich Rewards in Radio. See all the beautiful plain, fancy, and Oriental pattern rugs we can weave from your old materials. No matter how faded or worn your material is, no matter what color, we are able to extract the wool, and other mate- rials, by our Patented Process so it is just as good as it ever was.
Your material is sorted, washed, pickered, carded, combed, bleached, respun, and redyed. You Risk Nothing by a Trial We invite you to compare these new and finer rugs with costly Axminsters. If not de- lighted, send them back at our expense and we will pay for your materials. We have No Agents or canvassers. Express or Parcel Post from all states. New York, Detroit. Louis, t Mail Coupon to Dept. F-il, Chicago, Hi. Gerk Chief of Police, St Louis SOME day the law enforcement legions of this country will succeed in placing the administration of criminal procedure on such a sure, scientific basis, that no crime will go undetected or unpunished.
That may seem somewhat of a far-fetched prediction to some, but it will come, and I hope to live to see the day when it will be an accomplished fact. To-day millions of dollars are being spent annually by society to protect itself against the maraudings of the criminal classes. And many, many more millions will be spent, the world over, until society finally wakes up and realizes that only a small part of these millions would be really necessary if expenditures were concentrated on the two important things: prevention, and detection of crime.
The great objective for police heads to attain to-day is infallible detection of crime, or as near that as is humanly possible. Prevention, of course, is a great ideal, and we do our best to live up to it, but after a crime occurs there should be nothing left to chance in ferreting out the malefactor. Every scientific means for running down the criminal should be placed with every police department, whatever the cost, for next to adequate manning of a police force with the right type of trained men, is the arming of those men with suitable weapons, fast cars, and up-to-the-minute scientific instruments for the most effective carrying out of their duties.
But, we find that society begrudges every dollar advanced for police pro- tection. And the man who protests the loudest against the supplying of funds for police affairs is usually the man who spends most for locks. I would like to see police departments in this country so leagued with science that nothing shall be left to chance. We have in our St. Louis depart- ment to-day, machines by which we can tell definitely whether a bullet taken from the body of a murdered person was fired from a certain gun. We can determine certain facts, valuable to us in our work, about gunpowder and about fabrics through which bullets have been fired, and so on.
It is true that in these latest developments in scientific police work we have new and effective means to combat the criminal, but they are not enough. We must add more, dig deeper, go further, be satisfied with nothing less than per- fection. So, I repeat, the problem is before us, and while it is by no means a hopeless one, it will require the active cooperation and interest of all citizens of our country who stand for law and order, if we are eventually to succeed in the fullest measure.
Customers passed in and out of the institution in a steady stream, depositing money or mak- ing withdrawals. The various tellers, fresh hills crackling in their nimble fingers, were too occupied by the routine of their jobs to pay any particular attention to the two young men at the counter, who were carrying on a whispered conversation which would have looked suspicious to anyone who noticed them. Let us listen for a moment to what these two were saying, for this conversation of theirs was the genesis of one of the boldest and most inhuman outrages in the annals of criminology — a crime that was to stagger a city where daring deeds are committed one day and forgotten the next.
The conversation as recorded actually took place, and the source of our knowledge of it. Who does the running? I got a can outside. Hey, Joe, what do you want to know all this stuff for, anyway? Tony and the other man alighted and entered. Neighbors had been casting anxious eyes on the little bungalow for some time now. They didn't quite know what to make of the place — or its occupants "Hello, Joe," was the greeting of several men as the two voung men entered the house. He used to work in the West End Bank, and he's just been tellin' me how they transfer the dough. Somebody leaped to his feet and jabbed a gun in Tony's stomach.
It was the 1 William S. Barlow, sixty-four years old and a retired ser- geant of the New York police, now a runner for the West End Bank, was sitting in an easy chair in his comfortable little home in Brooklyn. He was engrossed in a story on the front page of a newspaper. When he had finished reading the account. Barlow dropped his paper and remarked to his nephew, James McGee: "You know, Jim, if anybody ever holds me up when I'm carrying my bank's money, I'm going to give them the battle of their life! That is," the man added with a laugh which had in it the chilly ring of premonition, "I'll battle them if I get the drop on them.
Germaine, cashier of the West End Bank. McLaughlin took the cash and wrapped it in an old newspaper. He then concealed the newspaper in a piece of well- worn black oilcloth, the result being that the cargo of cash looked for all the world like a bundle of tools. This subter- fuge had been resorted to for some months and, il was hoped, would work successfully in the event of a hold-up. The runners made their exit from the bank, Barlow walking twenty feet ahead of Mclaughlin.
In this way, the runners and the bank officials figured, McLaughlin could fire upon any brigand who attacked Barlow in the belief that the latter was carrying the cash. The two men, still remaining twenty, feet apart, walked to the Twentieth Avenue station of the elevated railway at Eighty-Sixth Street. Still acting as if they were total strangers, Barlow and Mclaughlin sat at opposite ends of the same car when they boarded the train. A MOMENT before the train roared into the elevated sta tion, two young men — one tall and one short — alighted from a maroon-colored Cadillac sedan which had been hover- ing around the foot of the stairway leading to the train level.
The pair crept up the stairs and secreted themselves in the waiting-room. Each, carried a revolver in his hand. A third man remained in the maroon machine downstairs. The motor was purring, and the driver's foot tickled the accelerator. All was in readiness for a quick getaway. Less than a block distant was another car. The motor of this machine was also running, and the man at the wheel had his way of the elevated structure as if awaiting a signal.
Even thing was in readiness for the execution of one of the most fiendish plots on record, to be carried out by two men who killed with as little regret as the cobra. HPHE train carrying the two bank runners was coming in. A few passengers walked out onto the station platform, ready to board it.
The two men with the revolvers were still unseen. Dagmar Wendt, the agent in the ticket booth, was busy counting change. Down in the street a man named Jacob Selikowitz, a dealer in electrical supplies, was starting up the long flight of steps leading to the train level. The train came to a screeching stop. Five passengers — two men, a woman and the bank runners — alighted. The latter were the last to leave the train.
The two other male passengers had been the first to leave, and were well on their way down the steps before the woman and Barlow and McLaughlin approached the waiting-room. The woman — Mrs. Beatrice Berman — saw two men with revolvers in their hands dash out of the waiting-room. The tall man said to his companion: "There they are! Let them have it! Barlow reached the door leading to the stairway about ten feet ahead of McLaughlin.
Without so much as a word or gesture of warning, the tall bandit confronted Barlow and let loose a rain of singing lead. The first bullet struck the former police sergeant in the right cheek. Two other shots were fired in rapid succession, one striking Barlow in the left arm and the other in the chest. Barlow crumpled in a ghastly heap, his 21 22 True Detective Mysteries for his hip pocket. But before his hand had traveled that far, life flickered away from the man who had failed to "get the drop.
While this cruel deed was in the process of execution, the short bandit opened fire on Mclaughlin. The very first shot pierced the war veteran's chest. He staggered. The bandit kept blazing away. But that was not necessary'- The first shot had done the trick. McLaughlin was now on the plat- form floor, his oilcloth-wrapped bag near an outstretched, quivering hand. Oh, my God. Wendt meanwhile had fainted in the booth. The driver of the maroon - colored car flung open both doors when he heard the re- port of the first shot. Tearing madly down the si peradoes street only a few ments after the mur- ders, jumped into the waiting were off through Fifty-Fifth sizzling pace.
Selikowitz was in the street seconds after the fiends shouted an alarm. He Nathan Baratz, a silk- manufacturer whose establishment was lo- cated near the elevated structure, had also run into the street and shouted a warning when he had heard the first of the shots. George J. Kauffman, a World War veteran, had been standing in a doorway across from the elevated station when the crime was committed, and telephoned the police. Albert Sloan, George Corbett, Thompson, letter-carriers, attached Blythebourne branch post-office, had been busy throwing mail into a Ford truck when the murders were committed.
In the meantime, however, the lookout car of the murder brigade tore along the street and got in front of the post- second bandit machine, although giving the a car driven by some good citizen in pursuit of the murderers, in reality "blocked the path of the mail Ford. This was all a part of the well-hatched plot.
In less than a minute, the Cadillac bearing the murderers was last in a seething labyrinth of traffic. The second bandit car likewise vanished as completely as if it had been suddenly' swallowed up. A few minutes later. Louis Stelle, a negro chauffeur, was driving along Sixty-Seventh Street in Brooklyn, when, at Xinteenth Avenue, a maroon-colored sedan flashed across his path, missing him by inches. Stelle shouted at the driver of the car, but neither the driver nor the occupants paid any attention to him.
The Cadillac careened on its crazy way for a short distance, but came to an abrupt stop when further passage was made impossible owing to a torn-up street. Stelle saw three men get out of the car, one of whom tugged the license plate from the rear. The man placed this plate on the right-hand running-board. Then the trio rushed to the front of the car and began to remove the other license plate. However, when they saw the Negro approaching in his ma- chine, they abandoned their car, ran up Nineteenth Avenue, and disappeared.
Stelle hastily glanced at the bandit ma- chine. He saw some blood-stained newspapers in the rear of the car. He notified Patrolman Pasquale Somma, who had also been at- tracted to the reck- lessly driven machine and was en route to the car when Stelle approached him. The surrounding the i donment of the ma- chine and the crimson- soaked newspapers in the rear were enough for the patrolman. He sent in an alarm to Headquarters, and in a short time Chief In- spector I-ahey, In- spector "Roaring John" Coughlin and an army of detectives were swarming around the car.
There was no doubt that this was the mur- der-car! Aside from the blood - stained newspapers, which were subsequently found to have been wrapped around the money which Mc- Laughlin had carried in the oilcloth bag, the sleuths found two boxes of. What these ruthless killers did, and the way in which they did it, will go down in criminal history as one of the most das- tardly crimes ever committed. Above shows young Mc- Laughlin, the bank- runner, lying dead, riddled with bullets, as he was found by the police a few minutes after the shooting. Left A portrait of McLaugh- lin taken when he was serving in the U.
The number on the New York license plates of the abandoned car was OQ. By this time, the dead men on the elevated structure had been identified, and detectives proceeded to the West Fnd Bank, where officials were questioned. Among other things, it was learned that several taxi drivers had for some time maintained a stand near the entrance of the bank. This looked like a red-hot lead to some of the detectives, who concluded that the hack chauffeurs, with nothing to do but lounge around for hours and take note of their surround- ings, had undoubtedly become acquainted with the fact that Barlow and McLaughlin each morning carried money from the bank.
The driyers were the first to go on the police mat. Meanwhile, the process of checking up the owner of the abandoned sedan brought forth two arresting facts. The car was owned by Jacob Monsky of Grand Concourse, the Bronx — but it had been stolen from Monsky two weeks pre- viously. Monsky's license plates, however, had been removed The Clue of the Maroon Car 23 and other license plates— bearing the number Q4 — sub- stituted. However, the janitress of the place was named Taylor.
Dora Diamond. Needless to say, this information elec- trified the sleuths. Dora Diamond's home address was only two blocks from the West End Bank! By this time, other detectives had obtained descriptions of the two mur- derers and their chauffeur from Louis Stelle and several persons who had been in the neighborhood of the ele- vated structure at the time of the killing. Headquarters issued these descriptions: No. Noted characteristic is the fact that he has high cheek-bones and wore a brown fedora hat and brown overcoat.
He was wearing a light overcoat and brown fedora hat. Wore light suit and gray cap. UROM Henry Beck, a me- chanic living on Fifty - Third Street near the elevated station, detectives ob- tained informa- tion indicating that one of the robbers had used a muffler on his weapon. Beck was near the stairs lead- ing to the ele- vated stairway when the shoot- ing began. He said that, just prior to that time, two men had passed him, going up the stairs, and one of the men had The hold-up gang's secret rendezvous.
It was in this innocent-looking bungalow they met to plan their daring crimes. They gave valuable information to the New York detectives who were sent to Philadelphia by Inspector Coughlin on the trail of the bank-messenger killers. The murderers, right while the sleuths were hot on their trail, had entertained the girls in Philadelphia, one of the bandits even suggesting marriage to Miss Normand after an acquaintanceship of a few hours!
This, the sleuths believed, might have been a muffler. Finger-print experts who worked on the murder-car found that the crimson-stained impressions on the window and door handles were quite distinct. Copies were immediately struck off, and a long search through the files of the bureau of criminal identification was soon under way.
In the meantime, a quiet investigation was being conducted to find out what connection the close proximity of Mrs. Dora Diamond's home to the bank might have with the murders. Among other things, it was found that Mrs. Diamond was a depositor at the West End Bank. Her two sons, Morris, twenty-eight, and Joseph, twenty-two, had often gone to the institution to make deposits. Diamond was the owner of the Diamond Box Company, a concern which employed her two sons — Morris and Joseph — as salesmen. The com- pany had been founded by the woman's husband, who had died five years pre- viously.
Diamond's elder son, Morris, who had made quite a name for himself as a star half-back during his high school days in Brooklyn — and who was known to his friends as "Whitey" owing to his light hair — had several times been arrested for activities beyond the pale of the law. He had been nabbed in Brooklyn in June of the previous year for posses- sing a gun. He had also been appre- hended in Connecticut for carrying a concealed weapon and stealing an automobile. And, in August, , he had been caught in the net of the law on charges of assault and robbery.
This charge had been dropped, however, owing to lack of evidence. In the mean- time, post-mor- tems had been performed on the bodies of the slain bank runners. It was found that McLaughlin had been shot in the chest by a.
VICTORIAN MYSTERIES - A - G
Barlow's watch had stopped one of the three bul- lets fired into him. Two of the three pellets were of. One of these demolished the watch in the left - hand vest pocket, remaining in the pocket. The other had hit Barlow in the right cheek, thence it traveled down through his throat and into the right lung, where it was found.
The third bullet, which had lodged 24 True Detective Mysteries in the runner's chest after entering the left arm, was a. This was mute evidence of the fact that both bandits had fired at the former police sergeant when the latter reached for his hip pocket to draw his re- volver. An outraged community immediately inaugurated plans for elaborate funeral services for the two victims.
Police honors were arranged for Barlow, and World War veterans planned a tribute to" their lifeless buddy. Seldom, in the metropolis, had public indignation at 1 ruthless deed run so high. Diamond is not in," said Leonard Sacks, the sales man- ager. His brother, Joseph, is here; do you wish to see him? In the meantime, other detectives had been checking up on garages in an area of several miles around the murder Back at Headquarters, a suggestion had been received from one of the sleuths on the job to compare the bloody finger-prints on the brigands' Cadillac with those of Morris Diamond.
Diamond's finger-prints, of course, were on record owing to his previous "association" with the police. When the two sets of finger-prints were compared, they -were found to be identical! This startling discovery, however, was carefully withheld from the newspapers. The police did not know just where Diamond was. They knew that if this information was made public, he would undoubtedly flee.
But this was not the only reason for this pro- cedure; there were other things to be considered. The police felt that, by the very nature of the crime, more than the three men who had been seen near the elevated structure were involved. True, only three men had been observed by near-witnesses to the crime, but it was evident that the three actual participants had also planted at least one lookout somewhere in the vicinity. It was therefore imperative that the detectives should not reveal their hand until considerably more sleuthing of a quiet and unob- trusive nature had been done.
By nightfall, casual but cautious inquiry among Morris Diamond's acquaintances re- vealed that for some time the young man had been alternating his residence between his mother's home in Bensonhurst and a furnished room on East Twenty-Seventh Street, Man- hattan. Cordons of plain-clothes men imme- diately secreted themselves at vantage points opposite Mrs. Diamond's residence, the box factory, and the rooming-house in Man- hattan. Things were so arranged that every Above In the center, manacled, is the alleged tip - off man, Anthony Pantano. Right Joseph Diamond wear- ing sweater handcuffed to his brother, Morris, on his right.
Morris was nabbed by Detectives Donahue and Martin in a hotel in Cleveland, just as he was preparing to "check out. Dora Diamond maintained her residence. The woman replied in the affirmative. When asked who stored the car there, she gave the name of Morris Diamond, and his brother, Joseph. Lapinsky without hesitation. It has been there ever since. Entering the garage, the detectives were confronted by a maroon-colored sedan.
EXT day, one of the angles of the case which rece'. The concern was found to be quite embar- rassed. A creditor was questioned, and he came forward with the electrifying information that the day before the hold- up he had asked Morris Diamond to settle a long over- due account. By this time, the activities of Joseph Diamond — who was in his early twenties, a few years his brother's junior— were attracting the attention of the army of sleuths working on the mystery. Right John Farino manacled the "tough egg," one of the two trigger men in the hold up.
Through a chance word passed between two women gossiping on a street corner, overheard by detectives, Farino the killer was trapped so stealthily in his hide-away that not a hand was raised — yet with his gun within reach! Below The body of Barlow, one of the victims of the hold-up, being carried down to the street, from the elevated train platform where he had been shot to death quickly enough. Unfortunately, however, the public was not aware of the progress which the police were making, and the police were still forced to stick to their policy of withholding the facts which they had learned until they had closed in on their quarry.
Several points had to be cleared up. The perplexing question, "If the Diamond brothers were involved in the crime, how is it that their car was in Mrs. Lapinsky's garage at the hour of the murders? The car in the garage was an exact duplicate of the mur- der-car, and Mrs. Lapinsky had mis- taken it for the ma- chine which fig- ured in the crime! It had been stolen some weeks pre- viously from Louis Altschul, of the Bronx. A clever piece of foresight, but not clever enough!
A continued check on the financial condition of the box company revealed that after the crimes it had burst into sudden affluence. In addition, several obligations were paid off. None of this, however, was done by either Morris or Joseph Diamond, for these two young men were still among the vanished. It had been cashed in Philadelphia. Figuring that if their men were in the Quaker City, they would probably com- municate in some way or other with the box company, detectives tapped the telephone wires of the concern in Brooklyn and lay in wait for the clue they hoped would come.
And sure enough, late in the afternoon a call rame in from Philadelphia for Willy Fried, the salesman! People living in the neighborhood of the box factory informed them that Joseph had been seen to enter the place some forty- five minutes after the crime. The two sleuths who had posed as business men at the box factory the day before, again visited the place and asked for Morris Diamond. They were informed by Willy Fried, a salesman, that Diamond had gone out of town on a business trip.
There were rumblings about the inefficiency of the Police Department — not at all an unusual thing when the public gets the idea that the per- petrators of a dastardly deed are not being apprehended other end of the wire. The man on the other end had been plainly frightened. Quick action was necessary. The detectives immediately communicated with the telephone company and found out that the call to the box company had been made from the Hotel Lorraine in Philadelphia. Within half an hour several of Inspector Coughlin's men were on an express which rumbled out of the Pennsylvania Station, Manhattan, bound for the Quaker City.
I hadn't any reason to check up on them, and for that reason I know little about them. She had some arresting information for the sleuths, for she told them that several calls had been made from the room occupied by the Diamond brothers to a room in the same hotel occupied by the Misses Joyce Normand and Dorothy Bates. The Misses Normand and Bates, who were still registered, volunteered the telephone operator, were members of the cast of the musical hit, The Lady in Above A small section of the immense crowds that surged for blocks on either side of the hearses that carried the bodies of the Diamond boys, after they had been electrocuted at Sing Sing and brought to New York for burial.
Right Friends struggling with the mother and sister of the Diamond boys at the grave of the two brothers as they were being buried together in Mt. Both girls were there. Without preamble, the detectives asked them if they knew Morris and Joseph Diamond. Then Miss Normand, the first to recover herself, said: "Oh. When he found that she was stopping here, he looked her up and told her that his brother was with him, and asked her if she would get another girl for his brother and they would have a party.
So, Dorothy — that's Miss Bates, you know — called on me and introduced me to Joe. Well, we spent a very pleasant evening together — that is, the four of us — in the Palm Garden here in the hotel. Joe and I got along wonderfully together and then, three hours after I had met him, he asked me to marry' him.
I suggested we go to some place where he wouldn't be over- heard. He asked me to go to his room, and I agreed. Then he told me that he and his brother were hold-up men, and that they had first resorted to robbery to obtain medical aid for their father, who died in nineteen-nineteen from cancer. Joe kept pacing up and down the room, and as he told me what he said was the story of his life, I was amazed, and could hardly believe him. But when he gave so many details of the hold-up of the bank messengers in Brooklyn, I began to believe him.
He said he hadn't slept a wink for nearly a week, and that if I would marry him he would start life all over again. Just then his brother came into the room and I said to Morris, 'Is this true? Your brother tells me that you are both hold-up men, and that you killed two bank messengers' "Morris laughed nervously and said, 'Did he tell you that'? When I said that was what Joe had said, Morris remarked that his brother's mind was affected and that arrangements were being made to have him treated by a specialist. Morris showed me two rail- road tickets for Cleve- land, saying he had been trying to coax his brother to go West, but that Joseph had refused and wanted to go back to New York.
They laughed, and said he must be using drugs. The actresses volunteered to accompany the detectives to New York, and upon their arrival there, repeated their story to Inspector Coughlin. The Inspector asked the girls if they had any idea as to which train the brothers had caught to Cleveland, and the reply was in the negative. Here is the pitiable tragedy of one girl — and a man who was willing to sacrifice all to save himself — at her expense By Detective OTTO W. Most of its high points, however, -were enacted behind the scenes.
You will neveh see herw again! Now, do you wish to say anything? Joel [as Jorn] : Yeah. Do you know Elmer Fudd? Valeria : Vewy well. Towque, go now. Daffy Duck? Crow : Gutter head. Moon Zero Two [ edit ] [Joel and the Bots enter the theater as the animated credits play. Joel : Yeah. Servo : Really bad music already, this is great. Servo : Is this a Pink Panther movie? Servo : Why would they use cartoons? Joel : Uh, so astronauts could understand them. Servo : [dubiously] Ah.
Kemp : He's probably waiting at Moon City. Clementine : Mmm, that's what the man said. Kemp] : Don't you listen to what the man says. Korminski, isn't it? Your engineer? What nationality is he? Servo [as Farmhand] : Well, that's my brother-cousin. He likes sody-pop. This is how their image of prison is. Jane : Penny went up to the boss's house, and she's still there!
And it doesn't take an hour and a half to sing a song. Crow : Maybe it's Aida. Bob Steele : That's the worst part about it — she… she dies in a strange place without friends or anybody, and nobody even knows her name. Crow : She shoulda died at Cheers — then everyone woulda known her name. Joel : What in the world does that mean?
Servo : I don't wanna know. The Black Scorpion [ edit ] [Images of the erupting volcano are followed by onlookers watching the spectacle. Joel : Guys, get out of the way! That's why you're dying! Narrator : … having reached a height of 9, feet within a few days… Servo [as Narrator] : And then tragedy struck — we ran out of stock footage!
Maybe we can get some water up there. Artur : Also, I'd like to save those two bottles of beer. Let me dip it in water first. Joel : Hey, it's Dale Evans, and I thought she was stuffed! Crow : Only mounted. Velazco reviews their situation. Velazco : But we have a few advantages against this enemy. First— Servo [as Velazco] : We're small. We can run fast. Velazco : Plus, we have the daylight hours to try to find and destroy it.
Secondly, they're somewhat slow and lethargic. Crow [as Velazco] : And we have giant foot pincers! Uh, no, wait — that's the scorpion's good point. Canned people. Scorpions just love trains. Crow : I'm for it. Joel [as Tooter Turtle] : Hellllp, Mr. Crow [as Other Astronaut] : Nonsense! Servo [as King Arthur] : Run away! Run away! Joel [as Tooter Turtle] : I don't wanna be an astronaut anymore! We gotta get outta here, Scooby! Crow [as Mr. Wizard] : Dreezle drazzle drozzle drome!
Servo [as Mr. Wizard] : Time for zis vun to come home! Nothing more depressing than being locked in a capsule watching a movie about people dying in a capsule. Joel : Yeah, why couldn't you just show us Marooned? Forrester : We couldn't get it! The Sidehackers [ edit ] [Rommel and Rita roll around in some grass while the scene fades using a white-out effect] Joel : This grass Paisley : Why can't I reach you?
Crow : There's a ladder in the way. Crow : Not a good brother Big Jake : He hit Big Jake! Jungle Goddess [ edit ] The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 1 short [ edit ] [Crow continues his Lugosi monologue about the actors as the credits list the remaining players. I say, " Shoot the picture! Let God sort it out. Of course, that wouldn't mean anything to you, either. Kronotite is stuff that they use in the manufacture of atomic energy.
Joel [as Mike] : Saps all your powers if you're a visitor from a foreign planet. It's kronotite. Mike : Are you sure? Bob : I'd stake my life on it. Crow : That's already in the kitty, Bob. Crow : White fascist getting smart? School must've assigned you a keeper. Don Pringle : Don Pringle. Crow [as Don] : Heir to the potato chip fortune. I hate impressionists!
Servo : Prince , I hope you're watching this! Joel : I think a certain teen idol is hopped up on goofballs! Crow : Little Richard: the one true talent in this film! Katrina : His name is Angelo. Various Cascades : Yeah! Let's do something. Rocket Attack U. Joel hosts. What three word slogan was coined during the Cold War as a schoolchild's best defense against an A-bomb attack? Servo : Uh, uh, uh, duck and cover? Joel : Could you state in the form of a desperate cry to God to save you from an unholy death, please?
Joel : Is right for five points. Joel [as Manston] : That's why we've got to crush them! Joel : You mean an actor becoming President? Joel [as voice on other end] : Hello, are you wearing rubber underwear? General : Yes! Crow : [After a car has taken an abnormally long time to park] Nobody will be admitted during the breathtaking car-parking sequence! And I had the A. Mather gets off the phone with his girlfriend. Life does begin at My legs are old, my teeth are grey… [The scene in the graveyard fades to a close-up of a desk] Crow : I'm a lamp.
The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 3 short [ edit ] [Dr. Zorka shows the chauffeur the "source of his power," which looks like a patterned cube] Crow [as Bela Lugosi] : It's called a Rubiks Cube. Don't screw it up! Wild Rebels [ edit ] [Outside a bar, a scruffy motorcycle gang with skulls-and-crossbones on their jackets dismount and enter. Don't eat 'em. Servo : If you take these bikers internally, do not induce vomiting.
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Crow : Nah, the movie'll do that for you. Like an ipecac. Joel : An epa— oh, that Genesis album? Joel [as Adman] : You beat the stuffing out of three preppies and given away the girl, but before the day is through, you'll take enough drugs to kill a horse. Now, it's Miller Time! Erik Estrada! Lost Continent [ edit ] [A quick shot of a rocket on a launch pad. A V-2! Tom : Aw, I could've had a V8! Native Girl : [nervously] Nooo! Crow [as Native Girl] : Me no got lead sarong. Native Girl : Sacred mountain taboo! No one ever come back from home of god! Joel [as Native Girl] : Besides, you guys not see woman in long time.
Servo : Sidehackers.
Is that like Mack the Knife? Joel : No, I think it's about a dog that changed its name. Crow [as Magee] : If you kill yourself here, you can't kill them over there. Commissioner Magee : …and maim our fellow countrymen, without malice, without hatred, without thinking. Would you wake up?! Come on! Crow [as Narrator] : Called "Blood Alley. Joel [as Narrator] : It made you feel happy. Joel [as Narrator] : Let's watch the fun! The joke will be on Joe! As the cars approach each other, he plugs his ears, and closes his eyes tightly just before impact.
King Dinosaur movie [ edit ] [Two "scientists" are watching a "menacing" iguana T. Bennett : Oh Ralph, what is it?! Crow : [yelling] It's an iguana, now shut up! First Spaceship on Venus [ edit ] [Brinkman runs up to Dr. Sumiko, a female Asian crewmember, before the flight. Sumiko : Brinkman! Joel [as Brinkman] : Yeah, you used to be a Swedish man! A rockslide showers Brinkman and Sumiko. Sikarna gives a long boring exposition] Crow : Well, that's very interesting, but does it belong in the script?
Godzilla vs. On shore, Goro glances at Jinkawa. The rocket! Servo : [Snorts] Rockets! Crow : On a picnic? Rokuro : Help me! Hurry up! Joel : Hey, you're in no position to make demands, kid! Servo : Yep! Crow [as Picnicker] : Well, let's go on a picnic. Let's see, we got our food, beverages, and 50 feet of uncoiled rope… [Goro, Jinkawa, and Rok-san return to the laboratory. Our most valuable resource? He's a maniac! A maniac! And he's dancing like he's never danced before! He's a steel town boy on a Saturday Willard] : Saigon. I can't believe I'm in a model of Saigon. Servo : [Sarcastically] No, it's another superhero of your own design!
Goro : They're controlling him. Rok-san : It's a pity we can't send Jet Jaguar to go and get Godzilla! Crow : Yeah, it's a pity we can't kill you and get away with it! Joel : Um, no. Servo : Not this kid. Crow : He's got a foreign object! Servo : He is a foreign object!
And I'm all out of sushi. The latter stands over him, gloating. I expect you to die! Servo : Oh, very good, guys. Uh, kind of a James Bond thing there. Your father was a lizard! Your mother was an A-bomb! Your uncle was a robot! Servo [as Goro] : Thanks for leveling our country! Let's go home!
I'll be home crushing your house! Whadda ya think I am, Tippi Hedren? Get outta here! Double-O crab. Servo : Oh, Miles O' Keefe! Ator : Man's destiny is predetermined. Joel : Oh, he's a Calvinist! Mila is able to run away, so they follow chase. Servo [as Mila] : What would MacGyver do? Servo : Oh, you mean the '80s. These must be the "Cave Dwellers"! Servo : Yes ladies and gentlemen, thirty-five minutes into the film and we finally have our first plot point! Servo : That's 'cause it's made out of velour.
Servo : Just cut the wires, Ator! Crow : What the…?! Servo : [laughs] Joel : Terrific. I have slipped the surly bounds of Earth and touched the hand of God! Servo : This is a little ridiculous. Okay, so… he kills a deer, he tans the hides, he stretches the skins, he makes an anodized aluminum frame, he learns how to extrude and weld… all in about five minutes, huh?
Oh, he also made bombs while he was up there. Joel : Looks like he's gonna carpet-bomb. Joel : How'd he do that? Servo [as Ator] : How'd I do that? Crow : Yeah, and it's made out of coconuts. Gamera [ edit ] [Gamera's beady eyes watch Kenny as he flees from the rocky sea cliff. Because they['ve] never tasted hell.
Today, we turn the tables! Servo : [defensive] Shut up! It's not funny. Servo : [beginning to get a little sad] Oh Tibby Kenny : Tibby? Crow Servo : It's not- Stop it! Shut up! Kenny : Tibby! Crow [as Kenny] : Tibby! Aww, Tibby! Servo : [getting more emotional] That's not funny! Joel, tell him to stop! Kenny : Tibby??? Joel : What are you worried about?
Tibby's long dead, Tom. Servo : [gets up and begins to walk away] I'm leaving! I ha- [sobbing] I can't take this, this is terrible! Joel : Come on back, come on. Servo : [returning to his seat] Will you stop with the jokes? Murase and the General. Don't shoot Gamera! He's good, he's good! Murase] : Let's listen to what Kenny has to say!
Murase : Yes. It might be a mistake. Maybe we shouldn't use those missiles. General : Why not? It's the only way to kill that monster. Servo [as Murase] : Because Kenny said so. Hidaka will talk to high-ranking officers Crow [as Newsman] Murase : Gamera seems able to resist attacks by all offensive weapons known to us.
Therefore, I am forced to admit there may be even greater catastrophes ahead. Servo : More Gamera movies? Not even the press is allowed to enter the area. Joel [as Announcer] : Kenny, however, is free to move about. Pod People [ edit ] [Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank explain the benefits of their invention: the public domain karaoke machine] Dr.
Forrester : For example, say you're at a karaoke bar. Now, what happens when someone gets on stage and wants to sing TV's Frank : People vomit?
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Forrester : Your movie today is Pod People. It has nothing to do with pods, it has nothing to do with people, it has everything to do with hurting! I'd taken a creative writing class. Hunter 2 : I don't know Crow : A pear? Rick smiles and gives the "okay" sign, but then quickly frowns. Crow : Hey, what is it about the gates of Hell that compels people to wander into 'em? Joel [as Adman] : It's because of Smuckers raspberry preserves. Crow : And what's he going to do, borrow a cup of sugar from Satan? The forest sounds include synthesized musical chirps.
Crow : Hey, it's a Casio forest. Joel : They parked next to a data stream. I'm on the milk carton! Tommy : You know what "play" means, Trumpy? Crow [as Trumpy] : Yes, it's where I break you in half. The pieces go together. Joel : Oh, if only this film were so lucky. Tommy : You can do magic things! Servo : Hey, he's got his high-beams on. Joel : He's got Bette Davis eyes.
Crow : Orphan Annie eyes. Molly solemnly leads them back out. Servo : Meanwhile, in another movie? Tommy's mother : Tommy, can you hear me? Joel [as Tommy's mother] : Can you feel me near you? Joel has made a skit about the 'Magic' scene, with Servo and Crow suspended on wires, ascending and descending wildly and awkwardly Joel : I can't bring them down! I don't know how it works!
Servo : I'm stuck! I'm stuck! Joel : Oh, we've got commercial sign!! Then it's Yanni with SnoreMaster of Trafalgamar. Then a synthesized interplanetary salute to Perry Como. At the end of the hour, we'll have information about the types of sedatives used by tonight's artists, on Music The Hearts Barugon [ edit ] [A scorpion slowly crawls on Kawajiri as he maniacally celebrates the opal's discovery. We're waiting. Stranded in Space [ edit ] Time of the Apes [ edit ] [As the humans climb hand-over-hand under a bridge, Caroline knocks a small chunk of wood into the river.
It died so that we might live. Crap in hands! Fling crap! Caroline : Catherine, I'm scared! Catherine : Don't worry, we're with you. Crow : We're doomed, but with you. Crow : C'mon! Try and move faster than the plot! Crow : Oh, like you know where you're going! The tree's having a seizure! Daddy-O [ edit ] Alphabet Antics short [ edit ] [The letter A for "Airplane" is represented by a herd of cows boarding an airplane.
I know I'm going to sit next to one of these people. One of them looks to the camera. He hides inside. A large balloon in the shape of an ice cream cone is seen] Joel : Elvis has ordered an ice cream cone. Narrator : O is for once Servo : "Once"? O is for "Once"? What, was there a writer's strike? And this. Joel [as Narrator] : P is for plagiarism from Ogden Nash!
Servo : U is for upchuck that comes from below. Servo : X is for existential dilemma. Servo : Yeah, well, Y is for Yanni , as far as I'm concerned. Servo : Must be Harry O 's father. Or Wendy O. I'm Charles Foster Kane! Gobs of butter. Big handfuls! Servo [as Chillas] : It's made of butter. Gaos [ edit ] [During an establishing shot of a farm, a cow moos.
Photographer : [trying to get Eiichi's attention] Hey, Boy! Joel : Crazy Boy! The Amazing Colossal Man [ edit ] [Glen Manning runs to rescue a pilot who crashed near an imminent nuclear bomb test. Joel and the Bots pretend to be voices in Glen's head. Come back, boy!
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It's not worth it! Crow : [in old lady voice] Glen, this is your 1st-grade teacher. Don't do it. Joel : Glen, this is your mother. If you stop, I'll make your favorite dish. Glenn : All I know is I just don't want to grow anymore. Glenn : I don't want to grow anymore! He'll be the biggest guy by a dam site! Crow : Suzie thinks she doesn't need a seatbelt. Let's watch Suzie go ballistic, through the windshield. Don't Forget the Lyrics! Identity Jeopardy! T Mrs. Where on Earth Is Carmen Sandiego?
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